


Atsumu's Secret

by Chibi_Mochi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Trauma, slight nsfw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28382823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibi_Mochi/pseuds/Chibi_Mochi
Summary: Atsumu has a secret, one he didn't want anyone to know, not his family, not his friends, and most definitely not his husband.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 262





	Atsumu's Secret

Atsumu kept one secret to himself. He never spoke about it, not even to Osamu, who always had to listen to all of Atsumu's stories, complaints, and whining. Atsumu never kept anything from Osamu and would even tell him unnecessary details, which surprised Atsumu that he could keep his secret until he got married.

_But secrets were meant to come out._

No one knew why Atsumu and Sakusa never kissed, not even at their wedding when they're in a relationship that lasted for a decade, and when people ask why, they received an answer that they never expected.

"Atsumu doesn't want to," it's the same answer Sakusa gives out to anyone who asks.

"Aren't you tired of forehead kisses and holding hands?" A question he's always been asked in the past decade.

Sakusa sighs and says the same answer he's repeated throughout the ten years of loving Miya Atsumu, "no, I'm fine with anything Atsumu's comfortable with, and if that means not having any kisses or sexual intercourse for the rest of my life, then I'm fine with it. I don't need sex anyway. All I need is Atsumu,"

Sakusa wasn't lying when he said he was fine with forehead kisses and holding hands. He enjoyed the cuddle and the small kisses he receives from Atsumu. But that doesn't mean he never wondered why Atsumu didn't want to kiss or have sex. Sometimes, he asks himself, _"Is there something wrong with me?"_ He'd be lying if he says he never felt insecure when people ask why they aren't intimate, and he'd be lying if he says he doesn't want to know why Atsumu refuses anything sexual.

It's not like they never tried. They did, specially Atsumu, he really did try, but when Sakusa's lips were only a few centimeters away from Atsumu's, and he could feel Sakusa's breath on his skin, the blond started to tremble, his eyes were shut tight, his breathing caught in his throat, and his tears slip from his eyes. That's when Sakusa found out Atsumu can't, even if he tried, he can't handle anything intimate, not even a simple kiss on his lips. So, Sakusa backed away and pulled him into a hug.

_"You don't have to push yourself. It's okay," Sakusa says as he rubs comforting circles on Atsumu's back._

_"I'm sorry, Omi," Atsumu cries into his chest as he grips Sakusa's jacket, his entire body was still quivering, and his sobs freely escaped his lips._

Ever since then, Sakusa didn't ask nor told him to try again. He contented himself with what Atsumu had to offer, and to be honest, he was happy. As long as Atsumu's in his life, then he's good. He doesn't need anything else, he just needs Atsumu by his side, and everything's fine.

So, when Atsumu attempted to break up with him during their fifth anniversary, Sakusa panicked.

_"What?" Sakusa asks to confirm what he just heard. He watched as Atsumu fiddles with the zipper of his jacket, his eyes avoiding Sakusa's._

_Sakusa could hear how his heart shattered like a glass that just fell to the ground. His heart was pounding against his chest so hard as if it wants to escape his ribcage and go to the man standing in front of him._

_"Atsumu, look me," Sakusa says and closes the gap between them with a few strides. He cups Atsumu's face in his palms and forces the blond to look at him straight in the eyes, "Is that what you really want? I'll let you go if it is,"_

_Atsumu's eyes tear up, and that's an answer in and of itself. Relief washes over Sakusa when Atsumu hugs him and buries his face in his chest as he shakes his head furiously, "no," it was a small whisper that could've been carried away by the wind if Sakusa wasn't being hyperaware of everything Atsumu was doing at the moment._

_"If you don't want that, then why did you even attempt to do it?" Sakusa asks. Atsumu hugs him closer and answers, "I can't give you what a normal boyfriend or girlfriend can. I can't kiss you or have sex with you,"_

_Sakusa hears his heart shatter a second time that night, "But I'm not looking for lip-locking or sex. I'm happy with what we have, Atsumu, you're more than what I could ever ask for, so don't scare me like that," he says as he gently pries Atsumu off him to wipe his tears and kiss his eyes._

_"I love you, Miya Atsumu, and I'm more than contented with what we have," Sakusa whispers and kisses Atsumu's nose. "So, stay with me, yeah?"_

_Atsumu nods, and Sakusa releases a breath he never knew he was holding._

Sakusa was glad he got to save their relationship because five years later, they stood in front of the altar, eyes looking deep into each other as they say their vows and smile brightly while slipping their golden rings onto each other's left ring finger, a tangible symbol of their love and promise of spending a lifetime together.

A honeymoon is what's supposed to come after a wedding, and they did that, but without the sex. Sakusa arranged an out of the country trip for both of them. It was a one week stay in Burges, Belgium. He planned for them to visit the Belfry Tower, eat at L'Estaminet, have a cruise by the canal, get wasted at 2be terrace bar after looking at the beer wall, and kiss Atsumu's temple at the Lovers' bridge and Lake of Love.

The visit to the Belfry Tower was wonderful. Atsumu was smiling and taking multiple pictures as they walk up the three hundred sixty-six steps while listening to the tower's incredible ensemble of bells ringing out their special tunes. The climb up was insufferable, but it was worth it when Atsumu flashed him the brightest smile he's ever seen.

Their honeymoon continued, and Sakusa's plan went smoothly. The visits were delightful, and the nights they spent together, cuddling under the sheets or drinking tea out at the hotel balcony, were lovely. Their nights were spent in comfortable silence, contrary to the days spent talking and laughing. To some, it may have been a boring honeymoon or not a honeymoon at all, but to Sakusa, it was perfect.

Sakusa confirmed through their not so intimate honeymoon that he's happy with Atsumu, and that smile of his, Sakusa would kill for. Their not so intimate relationship continued, and the more they spent their time together, the more Sakusa fall for him. It doesn't matter if he now has the golden ring wrapped around his finger for a year, it doesn't matter that he's been dating the loud faux blond for a year over a decade, Atsumu still makes Sakusa fall for him, harder and deeper.

Sakusa was happy, they were happy, the love and trust buried all the insecurities they have for each other, or so Sakusa thought, not until Atsumu surprised him one night.

"Hey," Atsumu greets, his voice shy and cheeks tainted in pink as he sits on the bed, wearing nothing but a towel to cover his lower half.

"Atsumu," Sakusa whispers, his mouth going dry at the sight of Atsumu's damp hair sticking to his forehead, water droplets falling on his shoulder and rolling down his biceps, his wet abs, and his v-line.

Sakusa gulps and turns his head away as he collects himself, "I want to try," Atsumu says all of a sudden, making Sakusa snap his head towards Atsumu.

It's been seven years since their last attempt at kissing, so it made Sakusa feel anxious seeing Atsumu jumping to offering sex all of a sudden.

"Atsumu, I told you, we don't have to do it if you don't want to. You don't have to force yourself," Sakusa says as calmly as he can.

Atsumu smiles, a genuine one, and says, "I want to try, Omi, I really want to,"

Sakusa doesn't know what to feel. He feels like something's wrong, but the genuine smile on Atsumu's lips made it hard for Sakusa to refuse him, so he unbuttons his dress shirt and walks towards the bathroom, "I'll take a shower, take the time to think about it, okay?"

Atsumu nods, and Sakusa proceeds to enter the bathroom. Sakusa took his time to give Atsumu as much time as he needs, and when he comes out and sees Atsumu fiddling with his fingers, he thinks maybe Atsumu had backed out, and that's completely fine with him.

"Let's just cuddle tonight," Sakusa says and sits beside Atsumu. The blond turns to him and shakes his head, "I want to try,"

Sakusa furrows his brow and takes Atsumu's hand in his. He starts to rub circles on the back of his hand as he asks, "are you sure?"

Atsumu nods, "I'm sure, Omi, I've thought about it for a week now. I think I'm ready,"

Sakusa nods before brushing Atsumu's bangs to the side and looking straight into those golden orbs that shine brighter than the golden rings hugging their finger when it's struck by sunlight.

"Are you sure?" Sakusa asks and takes Atsumu's hands in his. The faux blond nods and smiles at him.

"I want to know what it feels like," Atsumu whispers, his ears turning red and his cheeks burning red.

Sakusa nods and cups Atsumu's cheek, his thumb brushing against the setter's cheekbone. Atsumu lifts his hand and leans into Sakusa's hand with his eyes locked on the hitter's emerald orbs.

"Let's take it slow," Sakusa whispers, and Atsumu answers with a nod.

Sakusa slowly leans in, his eyes watching Atsumu, to make sure he's alright. Sakusa leans closer, and his lips plant a kiss on Atsumu's forehead, then the tip of his nose before moving to kiss both cheeks. Atsumu chuckles, which made Sakusa smile.

Maybe he's overthinking things, and Atsumu's _actually_ okay.

This gave Sakusa the confidence to slowly lean in to brush his lips on Atsumu's, to test him and see how he'll react. Sakusa gulps when their lips are only a few centimeters away from each other, "you can still back away," Sakusa whispers, but Atsumu leans forward, and their lips touch.

Sakusa's eyes grew wide, and his ears started to heat up. He gulps and stares at Atsumu with astonishment as his hand moves up to touch his lips. He suddenly felt like a high schooler who received a kiss for the first time. So did Atsumu. His neck, cheeks, and ears were completely red.

Atsumu was biting his bottom lip to hide his smile, but it wasn't working because the edges of his lips were obviously curved up, and his cheekbones were showing. Sakusa couldn't understand why, but he suddenly felt proud of the development in their relationship. His heart feels so full, and he feels so giddy. It makes him want to pull Atsumu into a tight bear hug.

"You still want to continue?" Sakusa asks as he takes Atsumu's hand in his. The faux blond nods and presses another chaste kiss on the raven's lips before covering his face with his hands as he squeals because of how giddy he was feeling.

Sakusa chuckles and gently wraps his fingers around Atsumu's wrist. He slowly pulls them down, and he sees Atsumu's cherry cheeks and pressed lips, "what's the point of hiding your smile when I can obviously see it?" Sakusa chuckles.

Atsumu looks away in embarrassment as he answers, "what if I'm shy?"

Sakusa laughs and captures Atsumu's face between his palms and nuzzles his nose on Atsumu's, "what's there to be shy about? I'm your husband,"

"Well, it's the first kiss we ever shared," Atsumu answers and looks down, his tongue licking his bottom lip before his teeth chew on it.

"Atsumu, I told you I was fine, but to tell you the truth," Sakusa says and shows Atsumu that fond smile only the setter could elicit. "I'm really fucking happy with those two quick kisses,"

Atsumu laughs, "You look like a teenager who got their first kiss,"

"But you are my first kiss," Atsumu stops and stares at Sakusa, eyes wide with disbelief, "I am?"

Sakusa looks away and nods. Atsumu chuckles and lies on the bed, "come on, Omi, your first kiss isn't the only thing that's going to be taken today,"

Sakusa freezes, he gulps and looks at Atsumu, who was staring at the ceiling, waiting for him to climb over him and kiss him.

_Calm down, Kiyoomi, you can do this._

Sakusa climbs up on top of Atsumu, and the latter wraps his arms around the raven's neck. Their eyes stare at each other as if to savor that few minutes of innocence before they start with sinful deeds.

Sakusa searched Atsumu's eyes, he couldn't tell what he was looking for, but he confirms that whatever it is isn't there, so he leans down and kisses Atsumu. At first, their lips were only touching, but after Sakusa had gathered enough courage, he starts to move his lips.

Atsumu furrows his brow, he didn't know how to respond, and Sakusa was left to do all the work, but when he feels Sakusa's tongue grazed over his bottom lip, he decides to relax and respond by moving his lips.

The kiss was sloppy, their teeth collided, and they weren't in sync, "We suck at this," Sakusa chuckles after pulling away.

Atsumu blushes and looks away before nodding, "yeah, guess you gotta kiss me again for practice,"

Sakusa smiles and leans down a second time to kiss Atsumu. This time, the kiss was better, they were finally in sync, and when they ran out of breath, Sakusa starts to kiss Atsumu's jaw before moving down to his neck. Sakusa could feel Atsumu's breathing slowly pick up as he continues to leave kisses, but when he reaches Atsumu's chest, he notices something.

The way Atsumu's breath picked up wasn't the same as his. Atsumu's was faster and shallower as if he was panicking, so Sakusa raises his head and looks at Atsumu.

Atsumu's brows were furrowed, and his eyes were shut tight. He was panting, and his breaths were shaky, so Sakusa taps Atsumu's cheek. That's when he felt the cold sweat rolling down the side of Atsumu's face.

"Atsumu," Sakusa calls out in concern as he taps his husband's cheek.

"Just keep going, Omi," Atsumu says after opening his eyes. Sakusa shakes his head, but Atsumu cups his cheeks and says, "It's okay, Omi, just keep going, I'm just getting used to it,"

Sakusa clenches his jaw and continues to trail uneasy kisses on Atsumu's chest down to his abs. When Sakusa reached Atsumu's v-line, Sakusa sees Atsumu grab the sheets and feels his entire body tremble. So, he stops and raises his head to face Atsumu.

"Atsumu, I'm not-" But before Sakusa could even finish what he was saying, a pillow is thrown at his face, and he's pushed off his husband before Atsumu dashes away.

Sakusa panics and chases after Atsumu, he grabs the setter's wrist, but the faux blond pulls his wrist away as he yells, "Get the fuck away from me!"

Atsumu was heaving, and he was sweating. Sakusa could see how much he was quivering, so he backs away and asks, "Atsumu, what's going on?"

Atsumu raises his head when he hears Sakusa's pained voice. He locks eyes with the raven and sees the mixture of pain and concern swimming in those emerald orbs.

"Omi, I'm sorry," Atsumu apologizes and wraps his arms around himself before sitting on the floor to hug his knees to his chest and hide his face in the space between his legs and chest.

"I'm sorry," Atsumu repeatedly apologizes as he cries into his knees.

Sakusa stays in place and asks, "tell me what's wrong, Atsumu. I'm your husband, and I'm supposed to know if something's wrong. We promised that we'll be there for each other for better or for worse, but how can I be there for you when I don't know why you kept avoiding kissing me, and then you're suddenly offering to have sex. Atsumu, tell me what's happening, I want to know,"

Atsumu takes a deep breath and raises his head to look at Sakusa, "but what if you leave if I tell you?"

Sakusa scoffs, "do you honestly think I'd leave you if you open up to me?" he asks, his voice laced with vexation and betrayal.

"Omi," Atsumu says and takes a deep breath, "you're not my first,"

Sakusa's jaw drops, "is that it?"

Atsumu shakes his head, "I was assaulted, Omi," his voice breaking as he utters those words.

"I'm sorry," Sakusa apologizes and bites his bottom lip as he feels the guilt creeping up his chest from taking Atsumu's reason lightly without letting him finish. He wanted to hug Atsumu, but the way he flinched and pulled away when he grabbed his wrist stopped him.

"No one knows, Omi, not even 'Samu," Atsumu says. He takes a shaky deep breath to gather courage and tell Sakusa what happened. He looks at his husband straight in the eyes and says, "I was assaulted back in high school. I ran away from 'Samu when he said we should walk home together. It was late at night when I passed by an izakaya,"

Atsumu stops to wipe his tears and presses his lips in a thin line to stop his lips from quivering.

Sakusa watched, eyes glued to his husband opening up to him. He felt like shit for forcing Atsumu to admit everything, but it was better to have everything out in the open. So, as much as it hurts them both, it was needed.

"Someone grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. He kissed me and left marks on my body then pushed his..." Atsumu couldn't continue. He was crying too hard that it was difficult for him to say anything.

"Pretty pathetic, right? I'm an athlete, and yet I couldn't protect myself from him," Atsumu continues before releasing a bitter laugh, "I didn't tell 'Samu. I was scared of him telling me, 'you told me so,' it's dumb, but the shame I felt for being assaulted was stronger than the need to tell anyone. So, I'm sorry, Omi. I'm sorry I can't be a normal husband. I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything,"

Atsumu's tears continue to fall, and Sakusa walked to him to hug him, "Is it okay if I touch you?"

Atsumu nods. Sakusa took him in his arms and lets him sob into his shoulder, "why did you have to force yourself to have sex with me?"

"I asked Tooru what it felt like, and he told me it felt good. He said it makes Iwa happy, and I thought maybe it'll make you happy too," Atsumu admitted between sobs.

Sakusa pulls Atsumu closer to his chest and rubs his back, "Atsumu, I love you. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that I'm fine without sex, but I'll say it every day to remind you that I'm married to you because I love you, that I'm here because I love you, and it's my choice to live a sexless life because I love you,"

Atsumu pulls Sakusa closer to him and whispers, "thank you, Omi,"

"But you need therapy, Atsumu. I can't heal you," Sakusa whispers, "you also need to tell everyone else,"

Atsumu nods, "as long as you're with me,"

"I'll always be with you," Sakusa whispers and kisses Atsumu's shoulder.

They remained seated on the floor until Atsumu was done crying. Once he was done, they stood up and changed into comfortable clothes as they cuddle on the bed. The next day came, and they scheduled a visit with a therapist. They went to sessions together, and when the therapist asked for Atsumu to go alone, they complied.

Sakusa was worried the first time Atsumu went alone, but the more Atsumu went, the better he got, and by the time he was ready, they told everyone. Atsumu's parents cried and apologized, saying they were such failures for not noticing, but Atsumu shook his head, saying it's no one's fault. They told Osamu about it. He didn't get mad like Atsumu assumed. Instead, he bows and apologizes to Atsumu, but the latter made things lighter by teasing his brother.

They both knew Atsumu's family felt guilty and that guilt won't go away anytime soon, so they decided to tell them about Atsumu's therapy and became open. They kept them updated through calls and video chats until the therapist finally said that Atsumu's completely okay.

And after two years of weekly visits with the therapist, they lay on the bed, sweaty and sticky after their first sex.

"Fuck, Tooru was right. It's fucking amazing," Atsumu says while looking up at the ceiling.

"I know," Sakusa says and turns towards Atsumu with a smile, "I'm so proud of you,"

Atsumu turns his head to look at Sakusa as he says, "thanks, I am too, and I couldn't have done it without you. So, thank you, Omi. I love you,"


End file.
